Even If That Is Your Happiness
by RazenshiaSapphire1306
Summary: "A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physical and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick."– Brene Brown. Soulmate! AU. Psychic-ish!Yuuri. Jaded!Yuuri.


**FANDOM:** Yuri! On Ice

 **TITLE:** Even If That is Your Happiness

 **AUTHOR:** RazenshiaSapphire1306

 **PAIRING(S):** Victor Nikiforov x Katsuki Yuuri and various if you squint.

 **GENRE(S):** Drama, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Humor (fail attempts), Friendship, Mystery, Family and Romance

 **RATING:** T (may raise up due to the dark themes and some blood)

 **SUMMARY:** "A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physical and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick."– Brene Brown. Soulmate! AU. Psychic-ish!Yuuri. Jaded!Yuuri.

Numbers are known to be mark of your soul mates, a countdown – which you are born with a significant other. But Yuuri hates them with every fiber of his being. Why? All he can see are the flashes, of thousands, millions – he had loss count of the bloody images. Death is an inevitable, constant thing – and numbers above the head is the proof of that. Not the sugary, fluffy thing you called soul mate mark. Life is not easy, filled of rainbow and butterflies – it is twisted and unfair.

 **WARNING(S):** Language, Angst (Lots), OCC-ness, PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), Anxiety & Panic Attacks, Hints of Depression, Low Self-Esteem, Self-Doubt, Semi-Violence, Self-Harm (cutting), Suicidal Thoughts, Self-Deprecation, A little bit gory due to some deaths & accidents – don't worry none of the characters of YOI will be the victim or is it? Never mind, let's go back to warnings – Implied Dark themes, Confusion, Plot holes, Slow Build, SLASH and Unbeta'ed!

 **NOTE(S):**

1) Describing places, things and appearances isn't my forte so I won't write much of those things unless when it's absolute necessary.

2) English isn't my native language so there will be errors (grammars, typos, run-on sentences, tenses and etc.) and limited vocabulary.

3) Inspiration from my other work, a KNB fandom entitled 'Countdown, Glitter Days!' – It's not soul mate AU but it has the same element about number: seeing & experiencing ones death. And some parts deprived from it with minor changes and some additions.

4) My first attempt to at Soulmark/Soulmate AU! So, I might be rusty in some parts, and also take note this is an AU – I won't essentially follow the canon series. Though there might be scenes I'll be using as inspiration from the canon. But, it won't be the forefront as this story main focus is how Yuuri deals with his issues.

5) There will be blood and deaths so be prepared – if this kind of thing, upsets you stop reading now.

6) Time setting – Going in between before Yuuri comes to love figure skating (Childhood, I always kind of imagine that), Sochi 2015 Grand Prix Finals, Banquet, Victor offering his coach and the rest will be an AU. (I seriously don't know if I'm going to follow these guidelines, but we will see.)

7) Title inspiration came from the song 'Sore ga Anata no Shiawase Toshitemo [Even if That is Your Happiness] performed by Raon Lee, original singer is Heavenz'

8) Yuuri's attitude will be different from canon.

 **DISCLAIMER:** I don't own YOI

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 **Chapter 1: The boy who sees beyond**

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" _ **Courage is resisting fear. It is mastery of fear – not an absence of fear."**_

 **-Mark Twain-**

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Katsuki Yuuri was your any average child albeit a little bit quiet, far too quiet for his own good and never want to interact with anyone (children with his same age and some adult friends), his family was exception, of course. Yet, there is still some distance and barrier he built, a wall – separating him from fully making a contact with them. He was skittish, easily to be scared as if people will corner him and hurt him. As if he didn't trust his own family, as if they are one of those people who wishes to hurt him in the worse possible way. Instead of being dismay – they became sad and can't to wonder what made their child turn out like that? Did they do something wrong at raising him up? Are they the root of his unease and fear? An over-whelming surge of protectiveness blooms in their chest, silently vow to help Yuuri in any form and support him in the background no matter what he chose path. He is their child, son and brother – they'll loved him no matter what he may become in the end. Nothing will change that.

So, they watched in the background, observing his every move – everything.

At first, his parents, family thought his adamant avoidance, his fear of contact with an individual, being skittish and almost apathy was due to being social awkward (stunted) and just being shy boy he is – because dear Yuuri was a shut-in child for his fragile child at his early stage of his growing up (Not that they know there's more into it than normal sickness) so they learned to cope at his odd behavior for some time, but, what they did not the fear and mental trauma runs far deeper than they thought and once they find out – it was already too late. The damage is already done. There's no reversal.

Dearest, their sweet, talented boy was scarred and mentally broken and with the addition of abrupt separation from them at pursuing his chosen career, his devastating loss of his beloved pet and very poor performance at the Grand Prix Finals at Sochi 2015, of his guilt and things he regrets – he was far too deep in despair.

The thought and seeing their precious young man, falls apart in their very own eyes doesn't soothe them in any way – so just liked they vow in his earlier years, they give him their moral support, trying to stay at his side in wish to bring comfort at his own fears and anxiety. And Yuuri, being completely oblivious and dense; having no idea they were completely aware of his pain and burden. His secret he chose to ignore and kept in secrecy.

Oh, yes. They were aware how both strange and special Yuuri is. They know about his strange ability – the ability to see and experience death by any individual by making any form of contact, interaction or by just seeing their numbers. Yuuri can sees the soul mark numbers/countdown but what his brain choose to be the main focus is beyond that – the countdown of the end – _**Momento Mori**_ ; Remember your mortality; that you are no immortal, in which death is inevitable. And for Yuuri, unfortunately it become a constant thing and feeling, a daily basis of normal encounter in his waking days probably in sleep as well.

How? How they did find out the secret he try hardest hide, to bury in oblivion, a burden he was adamant at carrying all alone?

Yuuri has a bad habit when he thought he is alone and nervous: he talks a lot and loud for the people close in the vicinity to hear him clearly.

They overheard him talking by himself and at first, they are doubtful, incredulous about the discovery and yet, what truly bothers them was the thought their Yuuri going mental due to so much stress and pressure at everything.

But, Yuuri was never one to lie. He was pretty bad liar if he did. He may contradict his words, bents half-truths, make some lame excuses (frustratingly, it always end up true when he decides to make one), but never did he outright lie to anyone dear to him – his friends and family which is them. Even, he did lie sometimes, or a lot by 'I'm fine' it's for their sake and his – a reassurance not everything is loss or the poor boy is just being denial.

Despite being doubtful and a little bit scared and incredulous about Yuuri. They continue to watched every movements, each words spewing and the shift of emotions to his eyes (Yuuri's eyes were always expressive than his face and after all, eyes are window of the soul. It shows everything), to light twitch of his lips whether it's downward or upward, and his mood.

Through the years of their silence or secretive observation, watchful and sharp eyes, not even Yuuri who is a bit dense over all but perceptive in his own right, noticed their scrutiny as the missing pieces of the puzzle begun to fit altogether. They learned in being subtle and vague with their blatant examination and the result was somewhat fitting and something they are not happy to unveil; in fact it broke them to not know their family member's misery earlier.

The old saying is always true: _"It's better to know and be disappointed, than to never know and always wonder."_ (1)

Because ignorance may be a bliss to some, it's a complete torture at finding when it's already too late – there is no undoing the damages and reverting back the time.

Still… the hope never dies, the hope he will be fine albeit he may be a little bit rough in some edges and the cracks was there. Scars, may not fade, always there but it will become a reminder he is a survivor of whatever dilemma and battle he goes through. Someday, he will be free from his burden and a certain someone's help to obtain that along the way. It truly never goes away the hope is… because if they give up. It means they have given up on Yuuri and that will never happens – Yuuri is, too precious to be thrown and let him stay in the pit of abyss of self-destructing.

Slowly but surely, Yuuri finally opens up and they are never been so happy to see him smiling genuinely with a tinged of childish innocence.

But that is a story from the not so distant future.

For now, they will remain by his side, awaiting for him patiently to share his pain at the world and learning to cope with them.

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Anomaly.

Oddity.

Strange.

Different.

Freak.

Yuuri has always been different than the other children in his age.

Yuuri hates it. He hates being different. He hates being weak and different. His body has always been fragile and more viable to illness (thank goodness, as he grows by it past), so he can't participate in any tiring activities even going at park makes him hard to breathe! So, he become a shut-in for some time. He hates it. He doesn't understand anything at all. Why by just talking or trying interact with people and even his family gives him a splitting headache, makes him goes dizzy and nauseous.

Why is he not normal?

Why can't he be normal?

It's not fair.

All he ever, he wish is to normal.

Why?

Why is different from his peers?

Why does he feels he does not belong?

What's with those numbers?

He asks his parents and they answers: 'they are soul mark – it the mark you have a significant other, a countdown when you'll meet them'

He wants to shout back: 'No! They are wrong! It's different' but he kept his mouth shut, giving a curt nod before walking silently back in his room.

In there, he cries all night long because it feels like he is far different, a freak, and an alien in his surroundings. He doesn't belong.

Why can't he be the same?

Why can't he be normal?

What makes him different?

Was that because of numbers?

But he still doesn't understand what those numbers meant. Not until, six months later…

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It just a brushes of fingertips of unknown old man in the street, then the world become blurry, hazy with pain – he was choking by his own air supply. _Air! Breathe! Why can't he breathe!_ He was being suffocated by some unknown force.

His skin was being peel off, he was burning. He was BURNING _**ALIVE!**_

 _Please! Someone help him! Anybody! I don't want to die! Nononono! He can't! He still has a family! I still need to tell –_

What those were not his thoughts? Whose?

He was vaguely aware that there were a frantic crowd forming around him, screaming alarm.

His last thought before succumbing to sweet, bliss oblivion is – an old man crying his beloved name while trying to reach his night stand where a family picture lays there perfectly before he can't breathe anymore.

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The doctor says, he has a panic attack, something or rather someone triggers it.

But, Yuuri knows it is not.

Even so, he quietly take the medication seriously – like a meek child they thought he is.

That is day, he learns the meaning of those numbers and the soul mark above their head pale in comparison.

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Honestly, he have no idea if that is truly the date it started or where because the sensation is strong – it was there way before.

Maybe that is the reason why he was always nauseous and sick around people without having serious illness?

But one thing is certain – all he knows, it was scary and painful as hell every time he had made a contact with an individual or just by seeing the numbers written above their heads:

 **Date/Month/Year – Hour:Minutes:Seconds. The Countdown**

It's the same as the soul mate mark/identifying in description of the numbers, countdown – according to his parents. Not that they know he can see differently than them. Oh, only if he _knew_.

Yuuri sees two identification, two set of numbers.

Yet, Just like he says before – the soul identifying blurs in comparison because all he can sees is the symbol or mark of how long they would live.

Just like everyone he had brushed the first incident off as a child's imagination or was he being a denial? He decides for the former. After all he was just a mere child and his imagination was vast as anyone, it's the time – his parents told him about him creating an imaginary friend. So, it safe to assumption like he was just being a silly child he is, right? Wrong.

As time goes by – he can't simply ignore it anymore because every time experienced 'death' it feels real. It wasn't created by a figment of a mere child's dream nor imagination. It wasn't illusion. It is never been delusion. It's real.

Since it is real and there is no escaping from the excruciating pain, fear, paranoia, and trauma.

He avoids contact and interaction like it was a plague.

He is dubbed socially stunted and shy. Not, that is true in any way because he seriously have no idea at dealing with people but at least he knows his boundaries.

That's right – he become a loner in the eyes of the world because if he remain at the same standing with them. He will continue to suffer and he don't want it anymore.

It drives people insane, that no one is island but for Yuuri, absolute solitude is a safe haven. Alone means no interaction. No pain and death. Safe. Let them talk. He doesn't give a shit what they says behind his back.

Even so, he was aware that he also losing his grip of the real him. The little sanity of his. Inspite of his all efforts at staying away but it was never enough. Avoidance is not the key. He, still experience and see the _blasted_ numbers – they symbol of death. Not the love and life of his (the) significant other. No matter he remain away from any interaction it kept finding him because he was not doing anything and visible from the plain sight of the crowd.

That's it!

He needs a hobby!

The answer to his dilemma is ephemeral, temporary but at least it will help him focus is something else than those dreadful signs.

So, he chose ballet. Unusual? No. It might be girly in the other eyes but it was both fun and quite a challenge to learn.

His ballet instructor, a family's friend – Okukawa Minako drills him crazy.

He, sometimes catches the glimpse of her number – she has one of those tolerable deaths; dying in old age. He learns to tolerate, adapt her presence thanks to that knowledge.

His parents didn't pushes him any socializing for some reason they seems get the message he was uncomfortable at interacting with his peers or anyone at all. Well, that's parents for you – they know what you want by just a mere glance.

But…

Minako-sensei is different, she tries the hardest to make him open up although she always fails miserably at her every attempts.

"Are you not lonely, Yuuri? You need to socialize more! Always hanging out with an old hag like me will become boring!"

"No. I'm fine being by myself." Yuuri mumbles then pauses. "And you're not an old hag, Minako-sensei. I do enjoy single lesson with you."

The first words came out half true. Both of thy knew that – but, Yuuri is a stubborn mule, he won't outward say he was never been lonely because it much bearable than dying not in the literal sense but yes, it was much better in that way so he learns to coped with the emptiness, loneliness – the part of his thirst for companionship. He denies himself that selfish part. He shuts everything away because letting somebody in at his inner circle means suicide and death for him and the others.

With that, his days become tolerable and dull. True, he still have a brief encounter with death but it wasn't any daily occurrence anymore. It was both tolerable and bearable although he was certain he can't avoid it forever, can't run away.

And he was right as fate seems have a different plan for him.

Then, Minako-sensei introduces him at figure skating.

She brings him at the rink, Ice Castle Hasetsu.

That is the place where he found – his very first friends Yuko and Takeshi and the very first friend whose life and future he was about to destroy due to his own selfishness and he didn't regret any of it.

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 **To Be Continued…**

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 **Author's Note:** Why write a Soul Mate AU with some dark twist? Well, life in reality is never been kind so I try to make one then I remember about numbers seeing & experiencing death in my KNB work – I deprived some or more likely parts from it then adding scenes and changes minor things. I think I prefer this one than that. And also to make sure – that you live with the fullest because unlike Yuuri none of knows our own death and when it will be.

Also I'll explain some soulmates dynamics in the next chapter. It's true this is a Soulmate AU but it won't be the forefront for quite long.

(1) Quote from an anonymous.

Please don't forget to Review and Comment!

Suggestions and Recommendations are welcome and appreciated as well!

P.S. – Can you please give me a good list of YOI fanfics? Thanks!

 **Written:** 2/11/17 – 12:36 pm, Saturday

 **Word Count:** 2,459


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